Where Have I Been???

I am okay, yes I am alright... I have been withdrawn and into myself, for sanity's sake, self-preservation if you will. In case that doesn't make sense, I will explain. I may seem like I am wide open and confident, I really am not. Not that it's a facade, I just keep certain layers more protected.

Lately I have had many outside circumstances all at once peeling away at my layers. I had moments of uncertainty - not wanting to crack, so to speak.
We all handle stress in different ways. Stress is stress by the way, whether the event is perceived as positive or negative - it is stress. The body doesn't know the difference. It all can wear a body down if not handled well.

If I perceive the stressful events as negative, I pull away. I don't pull completely away - just the parts of me that share emotion. I fear the meltdown of all meltdowns and a no return state, so I keep it hidden and safe - layered. If I don't let people in I feel safe. I know this is faulty thinking - but it is how I cope. I keep it layered and myself distant enough that unless you know me - you don't know I am suffering.

If stress is seen as positive I share and beam with happiness. I don't seem to have the layers stronger in some areas... I am more evenly covered. I don't know why I react this way - just that I do.

My mother-in-law passed away and was buried a month ago today. I also had a severe decline in my physical situation because of health conditions. These two things alone would set me into slight withdrawal alone - combined, I was pretty close to the meltdown I fear.  I was not ready to accept things and claim my emotions, let alone feel or share them.

I normally don't talk about some of these personal issues, except with extremely close friends and family. Even these select people have been shut out, as I descended into a depressive state for lack of knowing how to cope. My fear of losing myself and not being able to return is what is bringing me back. I need to get back to the business of living and celebrating life, which is my mantra.

The death of my mother-in-law is what pushed me harder... we have had deaths every holiday for the past five years and groupings of deaths around the fall/winter holidays. This has made dealing with any of them difficult at best. Just as I'd begin to accept one's passing someone else passed on. It also made holidays dreadful, for me at least. I plugged away and went through the motions, my heart just wasn't as engaged with each passing holiday. I put on the brave face and would celebrate those still in our lives, while missing the people who have passed. 

I know everyone goes through grief and everyone has trials - I do understand that. I just can't seem to allow others to see me sad for loss, worried about health or money. I am a basically happy person and have had a hard time sharing my struggles - I guess I am afraid to fall into a darkness and don't want to annoy or bother people. I would rather look for the brighter side... sometimes it is hard to do alone and we do need people. I don't often ask for help, yet I am one of the first to offer it without thought.

To those of you who regularly follow - I am sorry if I let you down... I have had more stress than I thought and was not handling much of it - good, bad or ugly. I also am sorry, for not trusting that you could handle it and possibly even feel good for helping me.

I am human too - good, bad, and ugly... guess I need to let myself be seen for me.Blessings to you all, my fellow humans! Thanks for letting me share and helping me grow.