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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Where Have I Been???

I am okay, yes I am alright... I have been withdrawn and into myself, for sanity's sake, self-preservation if you will. In case that doesn't make sense, I will explain. I may seem like I am wide open and confident, I really am not. Not that it's a facade, I just keep certain layers more protected.

Lately I have had many outside circumstances all at once peeling away at my layers. I had moments of uncertainty - not wanting to crack, so to speak.
We all handle stress in different ways. Stress is stress by the way, whether the event is perceived as positive or negative - it is stress. The body doesn't know the difference. It all can wear a body down if not handled well.

If I perceive the stressful events as negative, I pull away. I don't pull completely away - just the parts of me that share emotion. I fear the meltdown of all meltdowns and a no return state, so I keep it hidden and safe - layered. If I don't let people in I feel safe. I know this is faulty thinking - but it is how I cope. I keep it layered and myself distant enough that unless you know me - you don't know I am suffering.

If stress is seen as positive I share and beam with happiness. I don't seem to have the layers stronger in some areas... I am more evenly covered. I don't know why I react this way - just that I do.

My mother-in-law passed away and was buried a month ago today. I also had a severe decline in my physical situation because of health conditions. These two things alone would set me into slight withdrawal alone - combined, I was pretty close to the meltdown I fear.  I was not ready to accept things and claim my emotions, let alone feel or share them.

I normally don't talk about some of these personal issues, except with extremely close friends and family. Even these select people have been shut out, as I descended into a depressive state for lack of knowing how to cope. My fear of losing myself and not being able to return is what is bringing me back. I need to get back to the business of living and celebrating life, which is my mantra.

The death of my mother-in-law is what pushed me harder... we have had deaths every holiday for the past five years and groupings of deaths around the fall/winter holidays. This has made dealing with any of them difficult at best. Just as I'd begin to accept one's passing someone else passed on. It also made holidays dreadful, for me at least. I plugged away and went through the motions, my heart just wasn't as engaged with each passing holiday. I put on the brave face and would celebrate those still in our lives, while missing the people who have passed. 

I know everyone goes through grief and everyone has trials - I do understand that. I just can't seem to allow others to see me sad for loss, worried about health or money. I am a basically happy person and have had a hard time sharing my struggles - I guess I am afraid to fall into a darkness and don't want to annoy or bother people. I would rather look for the brighter side... sometimes it is hard to do alone and we do need people. I don't often ask for help, yet I am one of the first to offer it without thought.

To those of you who regularly follow - I am sorry if I let you down... I have had more stress than I thought and was not handling much of it - good, bad or ugly. I also am sorry, for not trusting that you could handle it and possibly even feel good for helping me.

I am human too - good, bad, and ugly... guess I need to let myself be seen for me.Blessings to you all, my fellow humans! Thanks for letting me share and helping me grow.

4 comments:

  1. I think you are much too hard on yourself. It's ok to do what you need to do for yourself. If that means withdrawing to protect or heal, if that means not posting so you can focus on other important areas of life it's the right thing to do. And there is no reason to apologize.
    I am sorry to hear you are going through trials both emotional and physical. Dealing with one side of that coin is hard enough, but the double whammy is brutal.
    I am glad you are sharing and working through a very hard time. The holidays can be tough especially when you are without those you love. Be strong or let others be strong for you.
    It's going to be ok. I promise!

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    1. Thanks Melinda, I think this post was the beginning of me reclaiming my life and moving forward - my reaching up, if you will. I think we all need to know we are not alone in the good and hard times, that we can ask for help as well as offer it.

      Thanks for your friendship!

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  2. Thank you for allowing us to love you RIGHT NOW. You be you and when you fall we will be here to hold you up...we all take turns so not one gets more tired than another. But that is what love does....you rest....we got you sister.
    I love you and this is why god made me big....so i can hold you when you need, then i can be cushy and comfy when i need to sit and rest...i look at your soul in your creations and feel better...then I am good to go again.

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    1. Thank you Tasha! Your words are compassionate and thoughtful. It is good to know that I am looked and thought after. I am glad to know that I can bring happiness to your life. I want to scatter sunshine - glad I can.

      Be good to yourself! Sounds like you have this lesson learned ;)

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